How is everyone coping?
It's been weird for me- to say the least. In the beginning of all these changes I felt super proactive and stayed very busy.
I've been sick pretty much the whole time though, and to be honest, I was wearing myself out a little. And I was doing some good and helpful things that I'm going to continue doing! BUT I was sort of doing it because some subtle (but deep seated and scary) triggers were coming up for me, and I wasn't totally ready to look at them.
The main one I think would sound something like this:
For a long time my internal world felt like constant chaos. It was unpredictable, and it was extremely painful, but it was also comfortable because it was:
1) What I knew... and
2) Who I thought I WAS
I spent the past 2 years breaking through that identify and deconstructing the beliefs that I wasn't strong enough, wasn't safe enough, wasn't good enough... to live in presence without the chaos.
I started to feel some freedom from the addiction to suffering that I had never even realized was there.
And so when the external world started looking like it was falling apart- you know, global pandemic and massive societal collapses- it was jarring to say the least.
Because suddenly what I had spent all this time sitting with and healing on the inside is how the OUTSIDE started looking. And a huge part of me was just like....come on...again?
But I finally did take the time to sit with that fear, uncertainty, and unpredictability.
I took time to sit with my fear, anxiety, frustration, and ANGER at having to readjust to being so knocked off track just when things had started to feel as if they were coming together. And what I realize is that its' all ALWAYS there. There is always chaos, just as there is always presence.
There is something terrifying about all this, and also something incredibly freeing- and incredibly challenging.
It's challenging us to go inside of ourselves to find refuge from the storm. It's challenging us to come together- paradoxically through separation and isolation- in a massive global act of human connection and solidarity. It's challenging us to face the parts of ourselves that we have been avoiding.